Things that amuse me today

Christmastime + rain + no school + sugar-induced crankiness + Santa anticipation + needing to clean the house + baby that won't nap = Irritable me. So, in case others are in the same boat, here are a couple of things that amuse me. Maybe they'll make you smile too.

1. Bush in freefall
2. SNL's Chronic of Narnia rap. I've watched this several times and it never fails to make me laugh.
3. Simon says Santa. (Looks like this one is down until Friday due to excessive Simon-saysing.)
4. Making Fiends. Lynn at Sprigs pointed out this one. I'm singing the song in my head right now.
5. The gossip sites: What Would Tyler Durden Do? Pink is the New Blog. Go Fug Yourself.

That's all I've got. What amuses you today?

And she spanked them all soundly and sent them to bed

Poor old Mother Hubbard, I think I know what happened inside the shoe that day. It was probably the week before Christmas and her however many children had transformed into the devil's spawn what with all the sugar stolen in bite sized morsels from the gingerbread house and the break in routine from not going to school. They were all crammed into that little tiny shoe since it was raining out. Old Mother Hubbard's four year old was probably the worst. Let's call her, say... Fiona, that's a nice name. Old Mother Hubbard's daughter Fiona probably started the day off in a complete snit because Old Mother Hubbard turned the TV off before Dragon Tales was over. Old Mother Hubbard had a fun day planned at the children's museum so she asked Fiona to get dressed and eat breakfast. Well, Fiona did NOT WANT TO EAT BREAKFAST! She DID NOT WANT TO GET DRESSED! She DID NOT WANT TO BRUSH HER HAIR! She did want to make mean faces at her mother and squeeze the baby until she cried (under the guise of "hugging her").

When Old Mother Hubbard found a napkin filled with Fiona's dinner from the night before she asked Fiona if she had eaten her dinner or put it into the napkin. Fiona said something like, "No Mother Hubbard, it wasn't me. Uh uh. Not me, I didn't do it. No way. " Then Old Mother Hubbard realized her four year old knew how to lie and lie with a straight face. Old Mother Hubbard played the Santa card and Fiona caved. After a brief visit to the naughty chair, they finally climbed out of the shoe and headed off to the children's museum where they met some friends and had fun and laughed and played and ran around and had a lovely time.

Those clever bastards at the children's museum made Old Mother Hubbard and Fiona (and all the rest of the children, however many there were) exit through the store where Fiona saw all the delicious candy on display. Fiona really wanted some candy, but Old Mother Hubbard was a mean, vicious old woman and would not allow her to eat candy before lunch. Fiona cried and cried and cried and cried, because Old Mother Hubbard was such a cruel mommy. She told Old Mother Hubbard that she didn't like her one bit and that Old Mother Hubbard wasn't her mommy any more. Old Mother Hubbard was sad for a while, mostly because she had recently discovered that the circus was no longer allowed to buy children.

Old Mother Hubbard, Fiona, the other shoe children (let's just call these collective children "Amelia" from now on, it makes the story telling easier), and their friends all went to McDonalds because Old Mother Hubbard and the other mommy did not want to make lunch. Amelia decided that she did NOT WANT TO EAT LUNCH. And she DID NOT WANT TO SIT IN THE HIGH CHAIR. And she DID NOT WANT TO SIT ON MOMMY'S LAP. And most of all SHE DID NOT WANT TO DO ANYTHING BUT LEAVE MCDONALDS RIGHT THAT INSTANT. So Old Mother Hubbard tried to get Fiona to come down from the playground maze so they could leave McDonalds right that instant, but Fiona was mad mad MAD because she had been crawling around that maze for quite a while and still couldn't find the right way to the slide. So Fiona screamed and screamed and screamed. Old Mother Hubbard thought her head was going to pop right off in McDonalds which would have been quite messy and a little traumatizing to the other customers.

They all rode home in sullen silence until Fiona decided that she was going to take off her shoes and socks and throw them around the car which is not acceptable behavior in Old Mother Hubbards eyes. She informed Fiona that she would be marching straight upstairs to take a nap when they got back to the shoe and Fiona said, "NO! I'm not taking a nap because I'M NOT TIRED!" and glared at Old Mother Hubbard with her special stink face especially reserved for her mother. Old Mother Hubbard was DONE with the sassy mouth and the sassy face and told Fiona to cut it out. They got back home to the Shoe and Fiona started to scream at her mother that she was NOT going to take a nap and she was NOT going to listen to her mother and she was NOT going to do anything that Old Mother Hubbard wanted. So, Old Mother Hubbard gave her a spank on her bottom and put her to bed.

Poor Old Mother Hubbard. She didn't even believe in spanking before she had children.

At least, that's how I imagine it might have happened.

Another first

Amelia popped out a tooth. Next up? College.

6 month Amelia

I thought I had three more months. Hah! Amelia is totally mobile. She's not a perfect crawler, it's more like a lurching, Frankensteinian, inchworm sort of move, but she roams the family room with ease. She also likes to eat small things off the floor, so it's almost like we got the Roomba back into action without having to send it off to be fixed.

She's such the anti-Fiona, I don't really know what to do with her. She's perfectly happy to Roomba around the room looking for electrical cords to chew or puzzle pieces to gnaw. She can get from a crawling position back into a sitting position to play with toys. She doesn't need the constant never ceasing attention that Fiona needed. She even eats food from a spoon, something Fiona never did. I feel like I'm just learning how to parent again since none of this has been the same.

She went in for her sixth month check up the other day and the doctor thought she would most likely be walking before 10 months. Some people might get all exited about what a walking prodigy their genius child is, but I'm terrified. Babies don't have any common sense and they shouldn't be allowed to walk until they figure the world out a little more fully.

I already miss my snuggly little baby and she's only six months old. Why didn't anyone warn me this would go so fast?

The Fonz

I really wish I was better about doing the laundry. Then I'd have clean socks and wouldn't be forced to wear white athletic socks with my blue jeans and black clogs. Yeah, I know. I look like a dork, but at least I don't smell.

See my genius child work peg puzzles at six months old? Just kidding, she just likes to gnaw on the pieces. We're going to have to take the puzzle away before she learns how to read though, see below. Thanks Target for another quality One Spot product!


An adorable and delicious "chiken"


Oh look, it's a white, fluffy "lamp."

Bright lights, big city

My ex-boss still hates me.

Fiona had a movie date scheduled with Gramcie today and I took the opportunity of being minus one child to attempt a trip downtown to finish up a little shopping. I realized just how small my little world has become when I saw that they had completely ripped down a building and started installing sidewalks along a stretch of street I used to drive every single day. The whole street is different and I hadn't even know about it until today. And this was still in our neighborhood!

I got downtown and parked in my old parking structure. I like to affectionately call it "the car mangler" since it completely destroyed my last car. (I like to place full responsibility on the parking garage and none on myself.) The wall took a big scrape off my bumper and one of those stupid pillars scraped the passenger side rear door all within the space of three months.

I called up to make sure my ex-coworkers were there before I headed up to my ex-work and my ex-boss overheard the phone conversation. Before I even entered the building she bolted from her desk and didn't come back for an hour and a half. My co-worker said she didn't say a word about where she was going, just got up and left.

That makes me sad, actually. I was putting up our Christmas ornaments last weekend and came across the ones she had given me. A little nesting doll Santa she brought back from Russia and a tall jingly Santa she gave to me for our annual ornament exchange, both of which made me smile. I missed her a little bit when I saw them. I thought about sending her an email, but didn't.

I was a little nervous about seeing her since we hadn't spoken since I quit, but figured four months would be enough time to cool down. Apparently not. Was quitting my job to stay home with my baby that awful? I worked for her for almost three years, can she not just get over it already and at least feign a little interest for a fifteen minute visit? Maybe she had an urgent, not-on-her-calendar meeting that she suddenly remembered when she heard my name and it had nothing to do with me. Whatever, it still makes me sad.

I got back to a mangle-free Mr. Roboto, put my sleepy baby in the back and headed home. Maybe next time.

Breaking news!

Streisand cancels her newspaper subscription!

I know that all of you out there are probably very concerned about this situation. Let me assure you that no one was seriously hurt in the cancellation of the subscription and life will slowly but surely get back to normal for everyone involved. I know you probably want to do something to help, as we all like to reach out during a tragedy. Please consider making a donation to the Red Cross.

Holiday brain

Let's just pretend the last week or so of not posting didn't happen, OK? Things just start blurring all together around the holidays for me. I get all frenetic about deciding on gifts and wrapping and holiday menus and the perfect Christmas music mix and snapping a good picture for the Christmas cards, oh and what about holiday stamps, we can't send out Christmas cards with flag stamps, and oh crap the girls have dresses but don't have any tights, I really don't want to have to buy tights, but oh look, Andre's brother just sent the exact same gift to Andre that I got for him so I have to go to Target anyway and exchange my present. And we don't have a wreath yet, what's Christmas without a wreath? And I haven't made any Christmas cookies yet. And the house is still a mess from the Thanksgiving houseguests and my general lack of housekeeping skills. Oh and Amelia not only doesn't have tights, she doesn't have shoes! And I think Fiona's already outgrown her Christmas shoes even though I just bought them a month and a half ago. You see what planning ahead gets you?

So anyway, I can't seem to focus much. I think it's because I've been trained to believe that the holidays are the time for sitting around in your pajamas all day, eating Christmas cookies and watching TV. School was out and we didn't usually travel over the holidays so Tamara and I spent our time searching the house for our presents and coming up with reasonable lies to tell about how long we practiced the piano while mom and dad were at work. Man I miss those days. Now I have all the holiday preparations to do, but also all of the holiday listlessness. I have to figure out what ingredients I need to make cookies! But I think I'll just sit here in my pajamas for a while. I have to go to the store to buy stocking stuffers! But we taped Rudolph and I haven't seen that for awhile. What in the name of sweet Jesus can I get for my dad for Christmas?! I don't know, I'll think about it after I read a couple of chapters of my book.