Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Halloween

Do you remember going trick or treating and people would only give you one piece of candy per house and most of what you got was kind of crappy candy and it was actually a thrill when someone gave you something good like a fun size chocolate bar? I remember being so excited when I got a mini-Snickers in my bag. I'd sort through my haul and make categories of crappy candy like those stupid peanut butter taffy things in the black and orange wrappers and good candy like chocolate and then I'd proceed to gorge on the good stuff. If I didn't eat it fast my folks would "share" it with me. Andre was a Halloween hoarder. He'd bring home his haul and not have to worry about his parents "sharing" it with him and then he'd try to dole out his candy so that he had enough to last for months. I'm pretty sure he wasn't human.

Fiona didn't have much to sort in her bucket last night. She only got one piece of inferior candy (Smarties). The rest was Skittles, M&Ms, and a few other assorted chocolate bars. Whatever happened to the peanut butter taffies? It just doesn't seem as fun to me to have such homogeneity in your Halloween bucket. How will American children ever learn the crucial skill of sorting the crap from the tasty? Or decision making skills? "If I eat two Smarties, one pixie stick, and three Snickers bars, that will only leave me with 2 chocolate bars and five hundred stupid taffies. Perhaps I should eat some taffies now so I don't have to look at them anymore." And negotiation skills: "I'll trade you two jolly ranchers and a pixie stick for a Bit O' Honey. No? How about three jolly ranchers and 25 taffies? Still no? How about four jolly ranchers, 25 taffies, and a pair of wax lips?" Also asset protection, "No mom, no Snickers bars this year. Sorry. What's that you say? You want to take a look in my bucket? How about I do some sorting first in my bedroom and then I'll show it to you later!"

In short, that bag of Snickers fun size bars you handed out on Halloween just might mean the destruction of American culture. Without the fundamental skills that every child should learn through their Halloween candy, America will certainly be the poorer. Think twice next year, my friends. Buy taffy.